Teenagers.

You know them, you love them! And you also want to duct tape them to the wall. Upside down.

Yea, teenagers can be rough. They can wreak havoc on your life and even your mental health if you let them.

But here’s the thing: They are going through a lot. Arguably, the most chaotic time of their life so far. They deserve and need empathy. However, they often lack the words and emotional regulation to express that. Remember, depending on their age, their brains won’t be fully developed for another decade. Therefore, the area of the brain that makes decisions, reasoning, and considers the consequences of their choices is still a work in progress.

I have three suggestions that may make this trying time a little easier for everyone. They are relatively simple to implement into your daily lives, while the impact can be enormous. I will break down each point individually so that you know the how, why, and when. They are: Listening, explain and teach instead of lecturing/scolding, and respecting them as human beings.

As parents, we want to solve their problems, scold, and continue to manage their lives like we always have. But now, our babies want to start making their own decisions. And that can be a tough time for any parent. However, it’s a necessary first step in them becoming independent and functional adults. Functional being the operative word here.

Here is my first suggestion:

Just listen. Listen without judging, giving advice, or attempting to fix their problem. It’s hard, I know! But trust me. Once your teen knows they have a listening and non-judgmental ear, they will let you into their world. They will confide in you or just vent their frustrations. You having access to their minds and lives will add so much context to their decisions. That understanding is crucial to the empathy you need. 

It’s okay to ask for details to understand whatever situation they have going on. But just be there as that ear. They already know they can trust you to provide basic necessities and help manage their lives. But now, they are starting to need a friend in you as well. 

Believe me, when they make mistakes (and we know they will), you WANT them to feel safe in coming to you. They may not want your help in solving their problem or any advice. And that’s okay. They just want you to listen, and more importantly, understand their perspective, right or wrong. We all just want to be understood. At the end of everything, that’s all they want.

This could also look like validating their feelings or helping to put words to their emotions and the chaos going on in their brains. So something like “Tanya ignoring you today made you feel sad, huh?” Or “You must feel disappointed and frustrated because you studied so hard and still didn’t get the grade you wanted. I’m sorry, that really sucks.” That’s all it takes. Acknowledge their feelings and empathize, and you’re well on your way to a teen who trusts you with their inner thoughts.

Second: Don’t lecture or scold, teach instead! If your teen is anything like mine, they absolutely LOATHE being lectured or scolded. It’s like a switch flips and they close their minds and ears to whatever you’re saying, even if you’re right and it’s helpful. And honestly, I was the exact same way. When someone older or an authority figure lectures them, it often feels condescending and dismissive. Almost like because they are younger, they are automatically wrong and the adult is automatically right. 

We can all relate to those feelings. There are few things more aggravating than an irrationally confident adult talking down on you because they’re older. The fact of the matter is, yes, we’re older, but we are still not always right. We still do not know everything. And often, when it comes to world events, politics, etc, our teens most likely know more than us! They have access to global information 24/7. We could not say the same at their age.

The phrases “You’re too young to understand”, or “You don’t know everything” reek of condescension. No one actively thinks, “I know everything.” And saying that implies that you think they do. Keep this in mind.

Instead of talking down to your teen, teach them instead. Just the intention to teach instead of scold changes the tone in your voice. When kids do not hear your “lecturing” voice (and we all have one), they start off a little more receptive. This is what you want.

Last, and probably most obvious: Respect. The teenage years are full of chaos and turmoil. Think about it. Everything they know is changing, including their bodies, relationships, and environment. They have more responsibilities, less free time, and less energy. 

Their relationships with their peers are changing, for better or worse. Hormones and emotions play a big part in how they adjust to all of this. And that’s the one thing none of us can change, at least, not right now. They are struggling to adapt to these changes emotionally and physically.

Puberty was like being hit by a freight train for me. Unfortunately, I was ill-prepared and floundered in my first 2-3 years of high school. My parents certainly did not offer any social or emotional guidance. With my teens, I make sure they know I am available and willing to help whenever they need it. Remembering those tumultuous years motivates me to make sure no one goes through what I did. 

I hope these suggestions offered some insight and perspective!

Thanks so much for reading! And remember: they still need you, even if they don’t know it.